Memo: From the Desk of the President
To: Sheriff Buford
Subject: Mission

As follows – Top Secret – For your eyes only;

Informing you of following developments. It is has come to our attention that the ghost of Mona Lisa is not what you are attempting to snare down there in blogstream.

Moana was captured this p.m. in Tibet. She had been posing as a lady named Patty. Upon her capture she was debriefed, but her information was useless, cause all she could talk about was some guy name of Scratchomo. We worked her over pretty good, but she would not “give”. Finally, we were forced to release her, because we really had nothing on her. She immediately bought a "one-way" ticket to someplace called “The Tomb”, and was last seen with a big grin on her face as she boarded the plane.

Which brings us to your situation at the Blogstream. We now believe that the person your team is chasing is no other than Seagram T. Hooligan. Mr. Hooligan as you are aware, is the famous inventor, and he is recruiting people for his “hidden city” located right outside of Las Vegas, which is known as “Mayberry”. Mr. Hooligan has invented various things in the past and we have managed to keep him “down on the farm” so to speak, but he has been “expanding” as of late and his merry recruitment party just keeps on a pounding.

For example here is a description of Mayberry that we received from a Special Agent just this morning.

Mayberry ==== is a small town of about 10,999, located just outside of Las Vegas, approximately 22 miles. It is made up of about 98 percent women, and all of them are built like a BSH.

The town due to its hidden nature does not collect taxes from anyone, and all residents are exempt from paying taxes, city, state, or federal. All food, expenses, rent, house payments, utility payments, cable bills, etc. etc. are paid for by Mr. Hooligan. Can you imagine such a thing?

Nobody works in this town. All everybody does the live long day is sit around discussing life, drinking booze and god knows what else. The town is cared for by Hooligan’s crew of maintence people who keep everything running on schedule and basically trouble free. When one of the residents needs anything, they just get on Blogstream and make a request and the next thing they know they have what they wanted. Incredible isn’t it? That regular everyday people should get a life like mine.

Anyway, your new mission is to capture Mr. Hooligan and bring his head to this office. Now go out and find this man and bring him to me.

Signed The Prez.....

note: read previous blog to get Sheriff Buford's response to Prez's memo.

To:--------------Prez of the U.S.

From: Sheriff Buford, a.k.a. Stuart, a.k.a. Ice

Letter of Resignation

It is with mild regret (not really) that I am hereby tendering my resignation, from the Task Force previously known as Black Ops Two-85785421.4.

After much consideration ( 2 and one half seconds) I have decided to accept an offer from Mr. Hooligan to become Sheriff of Mayberry.

Thanks for all you’ve never done for me, but, after all these years of faithful service I got sick and tired of your rah-rah speeches while at the same time you stole the benefits promised us vets, by the same gov’t you supposedly are head of.

I plan to start my new duties within 24 hours, and don’t bother to come looking for me, for I will be in that hidden city out by Vegas, performing my duties as Sheriff. That is when I am not in Vegas, sitting at one of the Blackjack tables at Caesar's Palace, sucking down Margarita's.

And by the way, forget the rest of my group because I suspect that after they hear about all the vacancies in Mayberry, they will be headed that way also. In fact, I do believe I hear former CSM Diesel packing right now, and I am sure the others will be, (packing) as soon as they hear about these developments.

Thanks for all you promised but never done

Signed, Ex Sheriff Buford, a.k.a. Stuart, a.k.a. Ice

p.s. get your ass over here to the blogstream and pick up the sack of shit you call Cheney, and get him out of here. He’s stinking up the whole blog.

Memo to Marshal Diesel and Special Agent Scratchomo

So far I’ve hired two agents; A Ms Pie and Ms Dazey, and have an interviewed scheduled for tonight with SixFootBlond. Have either of you hired anyone yet?

We’ve had a sighting of Moana, over at JimB’s again by a coffee maker behind a curtain. Has anyone been dispatched to check this out?

 Marshal Diesel have you issued the new agents their gear yet? Agent Scrachomo congrats on your trial last night, although I hear there are rumors floating around the blogstream that the Judge was a drunkard, and was bought off by your attorney. Be advised that your job status with this unit is dependent on a “pristine” reputation.

Now let’s get rolling, we got people to hire, and interview, plus someone needs to check out this sighting. I suggest sending Ms Dazey over to check it out, since she seems capable of starting a wildfire in the middle of a lake.

Oh yeah, someone check out this Stuart character who keeps running around the blog sounding like GI Joe. See if he can be of any value to the group.

Also, what about this lady name of “Puppy” is she in or out? Snap to, and report back ASAP. Sheriff Buford (a.k.a. Stuart) Commander of the BlogStrike Group

This mission is strictly voluntary; nobody has to come along if they do not want to. Decoder rings will be standard issue, as will magnetic hiking boots.

The Mission will be divulged after the Special Ops team has been selected.

The Problem – After many years, a ton to be specific, the ghost of Mona Lisa has recently been heard from.

Note: The “ghost” will be from this point on – referred to by the secret code word of “Moana”. Copy the exact spelling of this word and put it in a safe location, and write a letter to your next of kin - (just in case) - that will reveal the location of the secret word.

“Moana” was first sighted in 1987, in the movie “Three Men and a Baby”, the producers said the ghost was really a cardboard cutout that got in the scene by mistake and that all the rumors about it being the ghost of a little boy that died in the house where the movie was filmed, was not true. This, however was just a “smokescreen” as to not panic the general public about the possibility of a runaway ghost.

A Special Blackops Team headed by Sgt Major Evans H. Diesel was recruited and sent to investigate. This investigation was carried out with murky results. Although the rumor was that Sgt Major Diesel did “find and encounter” --- “Moana” – the official report which was “hand delivered” to Sheriff Jeb I. Stuart, of Haley County, Georgia, has remained “classified” ever since, and supposedly buried at the Pentagon, along with the Warren Report. Reportedly Sgt Major Diesel was heard to remark that “his encounter with the ghost was god-awful”.

Nothing was heard from “Moana” for the next 18 years until, a Blogger going by the handle of “JimB” reported in November of this year, that he was being contacted by a ghostly presence.

It is our belief that this “ghostly presence” is Moana, and he/she is masquerading as a blogger, under a fictitious name. Therefore, we are assembling a team that will be co-headed by Sheriff Stuart (a.k.a. Sheriff Buford) and retired Sgt Major Diesel, who is presently serving as a Federal Marshal. Sheriff Stuart and Marshal Diesel have been authorized to assemble a team and contact JimB who is presently on a site called “Blogstream.”

Sheriff Stuart and Marshall Diesel have already set up “fake blog sites” on Blogstream, but have remained “silent and undercover – so far”. They will be assisted by Special Agent Scratchomo (who also has a fake blog site) – if he can be located. However, he was last heard from - on this past Sunday, but at that time, was hold up in a deserted cabin in Tibet, with a woman named Patty. If Scratchomo can be located he will fill the position of “drawer and chief poetry writer”.

Anyway, they (Sheriff Stuart, Marshal Diesel, and Special Agent Scratchomo) - are now being authorized to “come out of the closet” and actively recruit their team. Listed below are the positions they are looking to fill, and although some have already been filled, many remain open. If you are nuts in the head, and want a rewarding job working with the public you may apply. Good Luck!

INTELL OPERATOR – must be able to “draw”, and write poetry.

BRIEFER/DEBRIEFER – must have “short nails”, and be excellent in the briefing department. Actually looking for a “one yank will do you type”.

SMILE ANALYST – must be an expert at deducing what Moana might be smiling at.

SEX ANALYST - must be an expert at deducing whether Moana is actually a woman or a man.

SLIP KNOT SPECIALIST - must be able to make coffee

NEWSROOM FLUNKIE - must own a TV. station, we just plan on “using him” and he will receive a “decoder ring”, but will have to furnish his own batteries.

BLACKOPS SPECIALIST - looking for a blackop type of guy. This post may be hard to fill because our only candidate to date, hmm that rhymes, oh, yes, our only choice is an “unknown”. Stay tuned on this one.

BLOND HAIR SIX FOOT OFF THE GROUND - we have someone in mind, but are not sure about whether she will volunteer.

CONNECTION WIZARD - this person must be excellent in the art of connections.

KENNEL SPECIALIST – this person must be an expert on dogs, preferably “rat terriers”.

POLAR BEAR SHEPHERDER - must be able to shepherd polar bears into corrals.

POLE DANCER – this position must be filled by an expert on the art of pole removal/dancing. We will need someone with qualifications on how to remove a pole. Sometimes “dancers” can fill this slot if they have the art of pole dancing down fairly well.

Note: This is a preliminary list, and other vacancies may come open in the future. If, however you feel as if you have “special qualifications” feel free to submit them.

..…more to follow

Marshal Diesel, Special Agent Scratchomo - and others.  Below is the Subject of our mission.  Study it well, for we leave at the break of dawn on the 3rd High Moon of this month.  Note:  We will be carrying 2 civilians with us on the mission, all members of the team must have their "Decoder Rings" on their person.  Also - we will need to recruit several additional members for the team.  Basic Training will consist of much debriefing and briefing.  All those who are interested in becoming members of the team submit resumes to either myself, Marshal Diesel, or Special Agent Scratchomo, and ------study this "Subject of the Mission" - for "clues" as to what will be expected on the mission and what it is all about.  ------base out

SUBJECT MISSION

On and off, during the years 1503-6, Leonardo Da Vinci painted the portrait of Mona Lisa -- i.e., Madonna Elisabetta, third wife of Francesco del Giocondo, who in 1512 was to be a member of the Signory.

Presumably a child of Francesco, buried in 1499, was one of Elisabetta's children, and this loss may have helped to mold the serious features behind La Gioconda's smile. That Leonardo should call her back to his studio so many times during those three years; that he should spend upon her portrait all the secrets and nuances of his art -- modeling her softly with light and shade, framing her in a fanciful vista of trees and waters, mountains and sky -- clothing her in raiment of velvet and satin woven into folds whose every wrinkle is a masterpiece -- studying with passionate care the subtle muscles that form and move the mouth -- bringing musicians to play for her and to evoke upon her features the disillusioned tenderness of a mother remembering a departed child: these are inklings of the spirit in which he came to this engaging merger of painting and philosophy.

A thousand interruptions, a hundred distracting interests, the simultaneous struggle with the Anghiari design, left unbroken the unity of his conception, the unwonted pertinacity of his zeal. This, then, is the face that launched a thousand reams upon a sea of ink. Not an unusually lovely face; a shorter nose would have launched more reams; and many a lass in oil or marble -- as in any Correggio -- would by comparison make Lisa only moderately fair.

It is her smile that has made her fortune through the centuries -- a nascent twinkle in her eyes, an amused and checked upcurving of her lips. What is she smiling at? The efforts of the musicians to entertain her? The leisurely diligence of an artist who paints her through a thousand days and never makes an end?

Or is it not just Mona Lisa smiling, but women, saying to all men: "Poor impassioned lovers! A Nature blindly commanding continuance burns your nerves with an absurd hunger for our flesh, softens your brains with a quite unreasonable idealization of our charms, lifts you to lyrics that subside with consummation -- and all that you may be precipitated into parentage! Could anything be more ridiculous? But we too are snared; we women pay a heavier price than you for your infatuation. And yet, sweet fools, it is pleasant to be desired, and life is redeemed when we are loved."

Or was it only the smile of Leonardo himself that Lisa wore -- of the inverted spirit that could hardly recall the tender touch of a woman's hand, and could believe in no other destiny for love or genius than obscene decomposition, and a little fame flickering out in man's forgetfulness? When at last the sittings ended, Leonardo kept the picture, claiming that this most finished of all portraits was still incomplete. Perhaps the husband did not like the prospect of having his wife curl up her lips at him and his guests, hour after hour from his walls.

Many years later, Francis I bought it for 4,000 crowns ($50,000), and framed it in his palace at Fontainebleau. Today, after some time and restorations have blurred its subtleties, it hangs in the majestic Salon Carre of the Louvre, daily amused by a thousand worshippers, and waiting for time to efface and confirm Mona Lisa's smile.