It looked like – except for how green everything was – ‘wintertime.’  You know what I mean – gray overcast sky, a wet skim on the pavement, with just a hint of fog hanging around.

 

Moreover, it felt like winter, albeit ‘early’ winter, but still winter, ‘depressingly wintertime weather’ is what it was - that early summer - morning.  The overcast sky had much to do with this I’m sure.  Anyway… my mood was also ‘overcast’ as I made my way to work.  It was “end of the road time” for my work van; I’d put just over 90 thousand miles on it during the 2 years I’d had it -and it was time for a new one. 

 

“Cruise Control” had departed at the end of my recent El Paso journey and I’d already scheduled a “day in the shop” to get it repaired when word came down for me to turn it (van) in at Little Rock and get the new Dodge Pick-Up that would be the replacement for my van. 

 

No more ‘work-vans’ for me – “manual labor” having for the most part vanished over a year ago as my job had quickly evolved into “shuffling paperwork,” and paying others to do what I used to do; the work load increasing so much that I could no longer be the “repairman,” but was now the person who “handled” it (the problem).

 

I’d like to say that I was glad I didn’t have to do the ‘manual labor’ – that had been once required of me – and that I was proud of myself for graduating into the supervisory role which brought more money as well.  But the ‘elephant in the room’ was the fact that it was just another ‘end of the road’ thing and it was amidst these thoughts that I saw him.

 

He’d always hitched-hiked this particular stretch of the road (that I drove to work) I’d seen him for 6 years (hitch-hiking) and had never entertained (before) the thought of picking him up. 

 

But that morning, for reasons I did not know then - nor can make an excuse for now – I stopped.

 

He got in the van without saying anything, tossing his cigarette on the ground before getting in, apparantly not having any idea of the thousands of cigarettes that had previously been smoked in it (van).  I didn’t say anything because having just quit (78 days ago) I was glad he left the smoke outside.

 

He had body odor pretty bad - which I’d expected - but by employing the ‘breathing thru the mouth routine’ I could effectively eliminate most of it (smell). 

 

Neither of us said anything for the first few minutes while I got the van back up to the speed limit.

 

Then he said, “you know I’m paying penance, don’t you?” 

 

I said – “paying penance for what?”

 

“For doing her wrong,” he said.

 

I let this go and just kept my eyes on the road ahead.

 

“I keep up with her on the stream you know.”

 

“The stream, I said, what stream?”

 

“Blogstream.”

 

I looked at him and wondered if I knew him or something?

 

“Oh don’t fret” he said, - “I’ve been on the stream for over an year and you’ve described this van, this drive, and this part of the world good enough for me to figure out who you were.”

 

Again, all I could do was to look at him as he said,

 

‘the iceman.’

 

“So, he said, where have you been the last few months?”

 

Finally getting my voice I said, “life changes man, life changes.”

 

“Yeah I know what you mean guy, lifechanges are a real bitch aren’t they?”

 

“I’ve quit smoking, lost weight –

 

“Yeah he said - interrupting my spiel - I know all about that, like I said - I read the Blogstream you know.”

 

“Yeah that’s right,” I said, looking a little sheepish to him I guess.

 

As we rolled into “Kampton” the little town right outside of the Air Base where I worked – I had to stop at a traffic light that had turned red on me. He motioned with his hand and said - “this will do, I’m catching the bus this morning, going back home finally.”

 

Before I could think about what I was saying I said, “what - without a suitcase or any baggage?”

 

As he was getting out of my van I said, “who is she?”

 

“Who’s who?” he said.

 

“Who’s the woman you’ve been paying penance to, the lady on the stream?” 

 

“Don’t matter now, I’m paid up, the debt has been discharged.”

 

And with that he closed the door to the van and walked away.  Behind me a car honked its horn - and the traffic light ahead changed to green – it was time to go.

 

THE NEW RESIDENCIA *** EST 2233 SPECIAL ISSUE – MAY 28-07   EDITOR – ICE ASST. EDITOR – PUP VICE PRES = DAZE EXEC VP – SIX SCOOP REP – SCRATCH ACE REP – JOHNNIE ‘TWIST EDITOR’ = BELLE   Recalling a past Decision   Rrring!  Hmm… the sound of a phone ringing?  Do phones ‘ring’ anymore, anyway?  My phone plays Bach, so I doubt if you could say it ‘rang,’ unless your name is/was ‘Lurch;’ but as a matter of fact – the phone rang, or whatever you call the noise that phones make today – and I answered it, the phone that is.   Me: Hello. Unk Caller: Paul?  Is that you? Me: Yeah this is Paul, who is this? Unk Caller: It’s me Paul, Lenny. Me: Lenny? Unk Caller: Yeah.  Lenny.  ----Suddenly it dawned on me that it was Lenny Morgan an old school buddy from back in the day.   Me: Lenny Morgan!  Shit! How are you man?   Lenny: Doing great.  Just thought I’d give you a call.   ----I hadn’t heard from Lenny in over 20 years and that had been when he’d wanted to be the first to tell me that my old High School girlfriend had been killed in a car wreck.  I was wondering who might of died now - when his voice broke into my thoughts.   Lenny:  No, I was just having coffee this morning and thought I would give you a buzz.   Me:  Well that’s good Lenny.   Lenny: I’m turning 62 today, going to go down and sign up for Social Security this morning.   Me: Ok… well I guess retirement comes to all those who wait, right?   Lenny: You know I never left Collierville?   Me: Yeah, I know; are you still working at Homeland?   --------Lenny had never left our home town -  going to work at the local Safeway (now known as Homeland) while still in High School.   Lenny: Yeah, but next Friday is my last day, you know, I can’t make too much money on Social Security… they’ll deduct it from my check.

Me: Well good luck— Lenny: You know I never left home.  Stayed here, never went nowhere.  Wish I had though. Me: Well you never know, maybe you done the best thing. Lenny:  Well I got to go.  Going to go sign up for Social Security. Me: Good Luck Lenny! Lenny: Wish I’d left. Me:  You never know. Lenny: You do.  You left. Me: Yeah   BLINKY   Walk a little slower but closer if you don’t mind.  I’m watching things as they go by but it’s difficult not to blink and in doing so I let little things get by.  For instance, the other day I was sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide roll away – wasting time – when all of a sudden it occurred to me that you’d slipped by, and in the heat of the moment I’d not even realized you’d left.  Yeah, you were a great “Tuesday Afternoon” and if I close my eyes I can hear the song named after you – a playing.    Took a little trip to El Paso the other day, and it seemed like the end of the earth to me.  A sleepy little border town turned into a topsy-turvy “Deadwood ‘ala’ 2007,” neath the scorching sun - amidst a mind-blowing wind.  Sort of like - life is – now – “now” that the new has wore off, and experience has introduced boredom times 4, as we realize that there’s really nothing new under the sun, not really, yeah, not really at all.   “Remembering the Beginning” was a little piece that seemed appropriate at the time - although now – as I think about it – I’m wondering where the beginning started from and from hence is the direction it’s headed.  Not being the first one to focus on this question it’s undoubtedly a proposition that has caused some concern to those who’ve came before me (us), but concern or consternation which is an outgrowth of the latter, may well be a predictor of what’s on one’s mind as he/she types these words on the keyboard which transfers those actions to the little white screen which eventually end up floating down the stream.     “Floating down the stream.”  Interesting.  Lots of things float down the stream; in fact, everything does, nothing gets by the stream, although some of it gets by me when I blink my eyes you know.  So the thing would be to – ‘never blink,’ wouldn’t it?   Blinky was a friend of mine and his main call to fame was that he never blinked.  Never.  I know this to be true because I watched him once for 33 hours just to see if he blinked, and he didn’t, unless, unless, he blinked in unison with my own blinking.  That thought kept me awake for a few nights, but I finally got rid of it with a little help from the 2 C’s - Corona and Crown.  Uh, yeah, that was a good night.

 

 

A misty rain fell; and from somewhere in my mind or perhaps his, I remembered a long ago conversation about rain, and it reminded me that I was still sane even though the times were not.  Are you going to argue with me here, and try to tell me that we live in a stable world and that everything is fine and it is just negativity that makes all of us wonder what kind of chocolate madness we’re living in.   Her voice penetrated the still air, and while it was puttering around in my brain along with the concept that we’d known each other somewhere, in some other way, I suddenly knew from where she’d came.  The music stopped playing as did the feeling, and as in a dream when awakening, I fought the urge to awake, trying with all my might to stay asleep in that beautiful dream world.

 

An impossibility of course, but who could blame me for trying to stop time on a Sunday afternoon, especially one so beautiful and calm.  What’s happened to time?  Where is it written that time flies faster than light?  If that were so I’d turn the switch off without a thought, unless of course, you’re afraid of the dark.  You’re not are you?  Of course you don’t want to commit, nobody ever really wants to - do they? It’s a scary proposition I know; to tie your future with someone  and hope that all turns out well or is that swell?

 

I tried to write the story you told me but life got in the way, and it was left as a solitary thread that we all knew wouldn’t hold; now there’s nothing left but space, and in that place I’ve tried to fit a section of my life but I can’t seem to make it work, even though my every thought always comes back to the beginning. You remember the beginning don’t you?  Those heady days at the starting line when the smell of fresh rain was in the air, and a rainbow of color stretched across a sky without an ending.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A time machine I want not

just send me to a faraway place

for time is a twisted knot

and I’m just ice

 

A sweet breeze

sings music I love to hear

gearing up with ease

to call me bear

 

A circle

imitates life 

its never ending cycle

half to half

 

A place

to call home

a jack and an ace

with one name

 

A puzzle

to wonder about

like a buzz

and a hoot

 

A time machine I want not

A sweet breeze & A circle

A place & A puzzle

Equals A?

 

 

To all my friends on Blogstream

An explanation is required for my extended absence from the stream. Therefore, I’m writing this short piece that I will post today.

I disappeared from the stream on January 15 of this year, as those of you who ‘used’ to follow my writings know. That was the day that I got the ‘crap’ scared out of me. But, you ask, what could scare me so?

Simply put it was ‘sub-standard’ medical care that resulted from what in retrospect appears to be nothing other than ‘indigestion’ or at worse a ‘gall-bladder attack.’ As of this writing I (and the doctors) still don’t know exactly what it was that caused my symptoms on that day, Jan 15th a federal holiday (Martin Luther King’s Birthday). Those symptoms were actually not that bad, a stomachache with a burning sensation in my upper chest, which by the way can be the result of ‘indigestion or a gall-bladder attack.’

Anyway, since I’m 58 and a dreaded ‘smoker’ I decided to take no chances and go to the Doctor. However, since it was a holiday and I was 70 miles from my doctor (who lives in the city I work out of) I decided to go the Doc that Pup goes to… here in our little town. “Big Mistake” Later, I was to read an article in the Oklahoma City Newspaper about how ‘small town docs/hospitals’ can be ‘dangerous and or lethal to you, but at the time I was just intent on getting in front of a Doctor and not having to drive the 70 miles to see mine.

Pup’s Doc who is not a MD, but a DO, ‘pushed and prodded,’ and because my Blood Pressure was up a little told me to double my BP medicine and take some ‘Milk of Magnesium,’ and go home. He did draw blood for some tests though, which as you will see contributed to some problems for me, but in the end, I have the ‘attack’ whatever it was (indigestion or gallbladder) to thank for where I am today.

Fast Forward to the next day, I’m at work, my tummy ache long gone and I’m feeling good! Pup calls me on my cell: “The Doc has called her at work, “Get your husband home, now, his blood report indicates he had a ‘pancreatic attack’ and he’s an out of control diabetic. WOW! And, And, he was thinking about admitting to the hospital! Now, I’ve been a borderline diabetic for years (my father has it), but at my last checkup (My Doctor), it was still “ok.” Well like any responsible person I did as I was told and went back home, went to Wal-Mart had the prescription that Pup’s Doc had called in for me – filled, and went home to take my ‘diabetic medicine’ and get accustomed to checking my blood sugar level with the little ‘pricking tools and meter.’ I also took the week off (as ordered by the Doc) so as to be close to medical care and in case the Doc decided I needed to be in the hospital. By the way, my blood sugar level (test done in our little hospital here in town) said that my “average blood sugar level” for the past 90 days was ‘667,’(an off the chart score).

Anyhow, that was the beginning of “thirty-one” days of medical care by what I now know to be a ‘border-line’ Quack and that’s with a capital “Q.” Why I didn’t immediately get in to see my Doc will remain a mystery, but the sad fact is, I had confidence in Pup’s Doc, he sounded so very smart and knowledgeable about my condition. “Ha”

I went on the “meds’ on Jan 16th and was constantly concerned with not “High Blood Sugar levels, but “Low Blood Sugar levels. Because the “meds” which are designed to ‘lower blood sugar levels’ did exactly that, in fact they done too good of a job. I could get up in the mornings, take my meds, go to Wal-Mart and pick up a few things and come home – and be walking as if on a ship at sea because my blood sugar was so low. The inherent danger of going into ‘low blood sugar shock’ was with me every night and I literally was scared to go to sleep because of the way my blood sugar would drop. All this on just “half” the dose of medicine that the doc had prescribed, for I’m no dummy and in the course of monitoring my ‘sugar levels,’ I could see how dangerously low they were running, so… I never took the full dosage.

Within a week I’m enrolled in a “Diabetic Class’ at a hospital in a neighboring city (lots bigger than our town) and while there, taking the class, the instructors are disbelieving of the blood sugar levels my Doc had said I had. In the course of the class they suggest I seek out a 2nd opinion. I take their advice and file it under “C” for crap and continue to go see Pup’s Doc. He changes my meds to some ‘new improved’ stuff that supposedly does not take your blood sugar so low. Still…. it is impossible to exercise (even on the new meds) – because my blood sugar level just ‘drops out’ when I do any kind of physical exercise. At the next appointment I complain about this to the Doc but he brushes off my complaint and just tells me to continue to take my meds and lose weight (I’ve lost about 20 pounds by this time, down from 242 to 222, after a month of dieting. He schedules me for a ‘follow up’ appointment the 9th of April.

Finally, Finally, it dawns on me – “I need a 2nd Opinion!” Presto! – ain’t I smart?

I make an appointment with my Doctor, the one in the city I work out of, who has taken care of me for 6 years.

I have to write him a ‘short-story’ about my experiences the last 31 days. He examines me, takes my BP, and dutifully sits on his stool and reads my dreary tale, and then starts typing on his computer keyboard. When he’s through typing, he whirls around on his stool and says, “Ok, what we’re going to do today is take you off the meds, I want you to continue on your diet and to exercise a couple of times a day – “or as many times as you want,” – walking is what I suggest.”

As a sidebar: You guys all know how Doctors “Stick Together,” right? Well, my Doc made a statement just before I left his office that really surprised me. He said, “a first year Med Student would of known that the “667” blood sugar level was bogus.”

I think I was in a state of ‘mini-shock’ upon leaving my Doc’s office but ---------- gratefully I began doing as he suggested – AND WAS I GLAD TO GET OFF THE MEDS

Long story short – that was “twenty-four” (24) days ago.

From the first day I went off the meds, my Blood Sugar levels have been perfect, actually better than normal, my blood pressure has went down (from the walking) and I expect to go back to my original dosage (of blood pressure med) soon, and hopefully can quit taking that pill soon, which will mean I take NO DRUGS. I now weigh 215, down from 242 when all this started.

However, I am on a 12-week drug habit right now. In fact both Pup and me are on it. It’s Chantix, which is the hottest new thing to help you stop smoking. We are in our 1st week of the meds and plan to stop smoking in the next few days. Here’s hoping we can both get off the cigs. All in all it’s been a crazy year so far but we are both looking forward to improving our health. Pup is doing ‘great’ too, (even though I don’t like her going to her Doc) but as long as she uses him “only” for ‘colds and minor aches and pain’ I think she will be ok.

As far as the “blogstream” ---- I’ve missed it, (and all of you) but as you can tell there was no way I could give it the attention it deserved. I do apologize for taking so long to post, and failing to answer comments, but… I do plan to post something in the future - but as you might of guessed – I don’t ‘sit on my ass’ much these days.

BTW… Within a week of seeing my Doc – his Nurse called me to tell me that the Doc thinks I might have had ‘a drug reaction’ (at the time of my attack I was on a drug for a yeast infection), and it’s possible I might not be ‘diabetic.’ I will find out this Friday for sure about that, but it doesn’t matter – my lifestyle will stay like this. Eating right and walking. NO MEDS.

“You’ve got to stay moving”

Ice