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The New
Residencia
Staff
Editor in chief – ice
Dep Editor – Edwin Snerdly
Vice Pres - daze
Exec VP #1 – six
Exec VP #2 – jonnie
Exec VP #3 – scratch
Cleaning Lady & Muse – Lucy
Cleaning Lady & Muse - Pup
Why do I write? Cause I think I’ve something to say, and that it might be something that someone else might want said, but have been unable to put into words; in other words I try to write what others are thinking, as well as whatever I’m thinking.
At first glance one would say, “Well Ice, that’s kind of like reading a persons mind isn’t it? And, I would answer with, yes, but, that’s not near as hard as you might think. For example, let me read yours for a minute.
I know that during your adult lifetime you’ve thought about dying, and that occasionally if not all the time, this is a scary thought for you that you pretty much keep way back on the back burner.
See how easy that was?
The whole point was to show you that what you think others think too, and vice versa; although certain things don’t get talked about, or in this case written about, even though everyone knows everyone is thinking the same thought.
Then there are those things we all think about which are also easy to pluck from the air. For example, writing about the “news” of the day, i.e. the immigration problem we have in this country would be easily seen as something on most everyone’s mind.
How’s this for a problem. I’ve got a problem right now that I need some help on. “Colleen”, you remember her don’t you? She’s the lady in my story “The Neighbor,” and the last we heard from her she was reading a letter that was talking about Eisenhower being elected President, and the blog.
Of course everyone knows the Eisenhower that the story refers to is Dwight D. Eisenhower who was President from 1952 till 1960, being succeeded by John F. Kennedy. And…. We all know that computers or the blog were not around during the time Mr. Eisenhower was President of the United States, so… what’s up with that?
Colleen: “evidently this letter is a fraud then”.
Andy: “it is not a fraud!”
Colleen: “Andy.. it’s not possible that these people could be referring to both President Eisenhower being elected President, and the blog. At least the blog as we know it.”
Andy: “Susan checked it out with her contacts, the paper, the ink, the whole damn thing was written in the 1950’s”.
Colleen: “Ok, let’s get a second opinion”.
Andy: “Who”?
Colleen:” I know a man, I’ve known him all my life and I respect him greatly”. As she pauses, Andy awaits nervously.
Colleen: “Governor Ice”.
Andy: “that old guy, what will he be able to tell you”?
Colleen: “only his opinion, but I do want to hear it”.
Colleen: “let me see if he’s home”, as she flips open her cell and pushes a button, then raising it to her ear, she smiles at Andy.
Colleen: “Governor, how are you doing tonight”?
Colleen: “Well that’s just great”!
Colleen: “Fantastic, Gov, but the reason I called is that I have a document that I would like to hear your opinion on”.
Colleen: “yes.. yes, we can be there in 15 minutes”.
Colleen: “I’m bringing a friend along”. “No, not Susan, but he is a friend of hers".
Andy: “I’m not sure I want to go, Colleen”?
Colleen: “K –gov, thanks for seeing us; see you in a few minutes.
Andy: “did you hear me”?
Colleen: “yeah, and that’s fine”. “If you don’t want to go, nobody’s forcing you, but I’m taking this letter over to him; I need to hear somebody else’s opinion”.
So… here’s the problem. I have to take this story line in one direction or the other, but which direction?
The obvious possibility is that there is some “time traveling” going on, but hell, we all know that “time travel” is impossible, or at least has not been proved possible as of this writing, yes?
Andy: ”I like the time travel angle myself”.
Colleen: “That is so frigging impossible that it’s not believable”.
Andy: “You said a mouthful there”.
Cat: ”I think you’re all fucking bonkers, just let the Governor see the letter, I’ll bet he’ll have a good idea what to do”?
Colleen: ‘butt out Cat, you’re not in this story”.
Cat: “excuse me, darling, I thought this was a group effort”.
Andy: “don’t mind her Cat, she’s pissed because Susan and me have been carrying on behind her back”.
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Cat: “you guys can carry on as much as you want to, but what’s up with this print changing just because we went to the other side of the page”?
Does this stuff ever happen to any of you out there in the ol stream? It happens to me all the time. I’ll be sailing along writing, and things will be really flowing for me - and then all of a sudden this “damn Word Program” starts acting all funny and all.
When I bitch about it to PuP, she tells me that it’s just the nature of the beast, and we just have to put up with it.
Ray: “probably just need to buy a good program”.
Cat: “when did you get in from San Fran man”?
Ray: “rode in just a few minutes ago, and I’m glad to be back here in Texas; hell they had one of them there earthquakes out in Frisco”.
Colleen: “cut the crap Ray, you’re not in this story so you don’t have to stay in character. You can be your normal fucking self, you know, the little wimp that’s afraid of his shadow”.
Ok people, settle down. We still have this problem to deal with, as to which direction to take the storyline.
Colleen: “shouldn’t – storyline – be two words”?
Nah, spellchecker didn’t say anything, so it’s probably ok.
Colleen: “you used two words earlier, it’s two words, check out what you wrote earlier”.
Whatever you say Colleen, I have more pressing problems to deal with than whether or not I used two words for story line or not.
Colleen: “see you just used two words that time”.
Ray: “what a bitch”.
Colleen: “what’d you say, you little prick”.
Ray: “said that’s rich”.
Susan: “hi guys, how’s it going”?
Cat: “so you’re the one that almost got Cool killed”.
Ray: “no she’s the Susan in the neighbor story, the Susan you’re talking about Cat - was in the Weekend story”.
Buck: “hey Cat, how’s it hanging”?
Cat: “I should of shot your white ass when I had a legitimate reason to.
Buck: “hey man, it’s just a character, chill till the man calls for you”.
Cat: “watch how you use those words man, I might have to kick your ass”.
Buck: “you sound just like R.D. Mercer”.
Cat: “who’s R.D. Mercer”?
Colleen: “you don’t want to know, he’s some redneck comedian, you wouldn’t get him, trust me”.
Andy: I still say we ought to go with the time travel thing”.
Colleen: “I don’t. It is so far fetched, and overused, nobody would really like it”.
Cat: “hey!”… “didn’t Debunkem do some time traveling”?
Colleen: “yeah, he said he did, but I don’t think he ever done it for real; I think it was one of his characters that supposedly did it, Colonel Humpernick, or something like that”.
Andy: “we could call up this Humperkickier couldn’t we”?
Ray: “how about asking the staff to help out”?
Colleen: “now that’s a good idea Ray, all they ever do is hang out on the top mast up there, they never do anything as far as I can see”.
Andy; “ok, who would you ask to help, I mean in particular”?
Cat: “how bout that Miss Daze, she’s the VP, she ought to have an idea wouldn’t you think”?
Ray: “or PuP, all I ever see her do is take pictures of them Shnoozers”.
Colleen: “you better be careful there Ray, you could get axed real fast talking like that”.
Ray: “oh yeah, x’cuse me sir, I really didn’t mean that, please don’t – delete – me. “Pleasssse”!
Ain’t nobody gonna get deleted, but I do think you guys have hit upon something. Letting the staff help with this problem is a brilliant idea.
Colleen: “thanks boss”.
Ray: “that was my idea”.
Colleen: “no, it was your idea that PuP didn’t do anything”.
Ok then, it’s settled; I will issue an “Executive Order”, requesting storyline ideas from the staff.
Andy: “so… have we totally rejected the time travel angle”?
For right now we have, unless someone on the staff can come up with a credible version of time travel.
Colleen: “hey boss, if the staff falls flat on their collective faces, and you must admit that it’s a distinct possibility, what do you think about opening it up to the entire blogstream”?
Andy: “yeah, we could run a contest for the best story line and offer prizes and all that stuff”.
Colleen: “I told you it was two words”.
Andy; “what”?
Nevermind her Andy, she’s pissed because Andy and Susan has been having an affair right under her nose.
Colleen: “I got news for you boss, I ain’t no lez, though if I wanted to be one I would be and all you dicks could tie it in a knot for awhile”.
Ray: “gee Colleen I didn’t know you had that much passion about anything”.
Knock it off you guys, we have to draft an “Executive Order” and get to work on this storyline, cause I hate it when one of my stories gets bogged down like this.
Cat; “I think you ought to let that cute little blond, Sex, or Six, whatever, do it”.
Colleen: “I agree with Cat here, and she even has a lawyer friend, guy by the name of Trainwreck I think, something like that anyway, and I bet he could help with the phraseology”.
Andy: “that’s not a word girlfriend”.
Colleen: “what’s not a word”?
Andy: “phraseology”
Colleen: “want to bet cocksucker”?
Cat: “damn you have a potty mouth”.
Colleen: ‘I know, but I got it from hanging around this rag with all you guys.
Ray: “just like a bleeding heart liberal, wants to blame it on someone else”.
Enough of this crap, has anyone noticed that we are at the end of the column?
Ray: “we sure are”.
Colleen: “ok then, let the word go forth - for our Exec VP, - Ms Six Feet of Blond hair stacked 33244 feet in the air next to the Sears Building in Chicago – to issue an Executive Order to the staff – instructing them that we need their input on the storyline.
Cat: “thought you said it was two words”?
Colleen: “Cat” – do this – “hold your breath for 2 hours and check back with me later”.
Ok, time to wrap it up. “Ms Six are you reading this”? Get right on it and report back as soon as the mission has been accomplished, and btw, no shopping, vacations or any of that crap.
Colleen: “crap, look how far we’re down here.
Andy: “yeah and me afraid of heights and all”.
Cat: “you dumb shit, we are down here not up there, how can it bother you to be down here”?
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