Lady in a Car

ice

Seen a lady in a car the other day.  She had two dogs with her and Texas plates, and from the look of the car she was/had been on the road for a while.

I couldn’t help but think of Johnnie and her cross-country trek.  This lady was trying to break into the traffic on the road I was on.  I let her in, and she waved at me, and I waved back.

 Following her (because I was going the same way as her) I checked out her ride.  It was a Volvo station wagon, and appeared to be about 10 years old or so. I swear if she would have been having car trouble I would have been forced to help in any way I could.  All because of Johnnie and the others on this blogstream. Go Figure.

Note:  I am the kind of guy that would help anyway, as the next article will testify to, but like I said, I kept thinking of Johnnie and her trek, as well as some other “treks” I’ve read about on the ol stream.

jj

Asleep at the Wheel

Ice

It happened a couple of years ago, although it seems like yesterday. 

How many times – has -  many – said that?  Because of course “things” happen to all of us in this crazy world.

My unique experience began on a normal day at work.  Back then I was still “turning the wrench”, and had been working in the hot, humid heat all day. 

This particular day I had been in a back room of a motor pool bldg changing out some equipment with very little ventilation if any at all.

Outside the temp was over a hundred degrees and the humidity was at about 70-80%, and it had been “working on me all day”, and I was damn glad when time came to head in for the day, even though it was a 75 mile drive. 

Once in my truck I drenched myself with ice-cold water from my cooler, and as it mixed with my sweat I started to feel better.

In fact, in retrospect I was damn near suffering from heat stroke, a dangerous condition down here in the south, and one that an experienced person like me - should have never let himself get into.

But, as I drove away from the center, and headed my van toward the house, I really was thinking that I was ok, and actually I was, but man was I sleepy.  Had to keep splashing cold water on myself as I drove to keep awake. 

Approaching a town that I had to go through, I saw a fairly new car on the side of the road.  The car was jacked up and – an – older man of around 70 or so was attempting to change out a flat, with his wife standing outside the car watching him.

Seeing that he was having trouble lifting the flat tire away from the car, I pulled over and ask him if he could use a hand.  Sliding down the side of the car and wiping his brow he told me, “damn right”.

I had to chuckle to myself, because it was obvious that he would of never got the flat tire off the car, and the spare back on.  But it was a good chuckle, not one to make fun of anyone, or anything..  I changed the flat and jacked the car down and stored his jack and all those damn parts back in the trunk and with a wave I was on my way again. –who was that masked man?- lol

Yeah, it felt good to do a good deed, but, I was now “really tired” and “really hot again”,lol, but as I got back in my van I began to give myself another “icey” bath.

By the time I got into town, I could not believe that I still had another 45 miles to go.  Knowing that I needed to pull over and take a short nap, I decided to pull over at a little store I had stopped at several times.  Figuring to pull in and take a 15 minute nap, I was really looking forward to getting there, and in fact I could see the little store – just before a frigging “train” started across the road I was on.

All traffic, of course, came to a halt and here I was about 5 or 6 cars back from the front car at the tracks, with about 10-12 behind me; all of us stuck watching the train slowly creep by.

I had my headphones on listening to a really good CD, a little Santana was playing in my ear, as I came to a stop – putting the shifter in Park.

I leaned back against the seat with my music playing in my ears and waited for the train to pass.

Next thing I knew – I heard the damnest pounding on my window.  Coming awake - I quickly noticed “that my van was the only vehicle for as far as I could see”. 

Everybody was gone except me.  The cars that had been in “front” of me were gone, and the ones “behind” me were gone too.  My van was the only thing in the damn road, except for this guy who was pounding on my window.

He must have been about 40 or so, and had on “overalls” those jean looking things - with straps over the shoulders – that farmers wear - and some scary rednecks..  And no shirt.  His hairy chest staring at me along with his beady little eyes. 

He was holding the hand of a kid of about 10-12, and the kid was looking at me kind of funny like, you know, like a bug under glass.  The man had his hands in his pockets, and he just smiled, showing a couple of vacancies in his mouth, as he said, “we thought you were dead”. 

I quickly sat up, shifted the idling van to “D” for “drive the hell out of here” and sped off down the road, crossing the train tracks, I hooked a left at the light, hit the interstate and was home in about 40 minutes or so, and never felt sleepy at all. 

Might call this one of my many “Most Embarrassing Moments”, and although mine is not as funny as Pup’s or some of the others I’ve read, it was funny as hell to my father in law when I told him the story, which I’ve – since - regretted doing, because he laughs way too hard at it, and insists I tell it at various family gatherings.

I myself, except for this written version, prefer to forget about it most of the time.

Ice being Ice

ice

Damn! That middle column is long!  Goes on and on and on and on.  Some might get tired of scrolling and never make it to the bottom.  Sorry about that, but it’s not as long as it looks, cause it’s just a skinny column.

This ol blogstream continues to amaze me.  It is truly a good place to hang ones hat from time to time, and I miss it when I’m not able to.

 I believe that we (bloggers of today) are truly just at the beginning of something that will eventually change “everything”..

It may take a longer time than we have left on this old orb, but, someday it will have a huge impact on the U.S.A, as well as the entire world.

I can envision future people sitting at home pushing an electronic button and voting for their candidate of choice in “all” political elections.

Finally, a “true” democratic process, and one the politicians of today  - would be unable to survive.  For there is no way that G.W. could win a “true” democratic election today, yesterday or anytime in this country. 

A minority voted him in; and that minority in both his elections, would have been “drowned” in a sea of votes against him – if “all Americans”- were enabled to vote, as with the little electronic button of the future - that I talked about above.  “Yeah, GW, Bring it on - fellow… bring it on.

End of the day Poem

Ice

as far as the eye can see

candles burning

flickering & dancing

side to side

a magic trance going on

all fighting the wind

at the door, at the window

creeping thru cracks

an inevitable conclusion

means nothing to them

for they will burn

the wind away

The Fulooting Eye

Dateline: Dustin, South Carolina

Roving Reporter – Dandy Dunnigan

The Fulooting Eye has been observing things going on today on the old blogsteam and I must say; things have gotten out of hand very quick.  So far an attorney for some Railroad line is suing The New Residencia for something to do with an employee of the paper who was nearly kidnapped this afternoon by said attorney.  Also, said attorney got into a shouting match with a cleaning lady, or at least we think it was a cleaning lady, because rumor control has it that it was actually Ms Puppy (who is married to the editor in chief of this rag) who by some weird misunderstanding showed up at the office today with a mop and a bucket and proceeded to mop the floor and at the same time “racked” Mr. DieselMalted up side the head with her mop and smeared his wing tip redskin shoes with dirty water.  Also, Mr. DieselMalted Burlington National Coat was slopped with water.  As a result of all this there is a suit being filed as this rag goes to press against The New Residencia.  Stay tune as more information becomes available.

THIS JUST IN

A six-foot blond was seen this afternoon slipping into a hot tub over at Edweena’s along with an Attorney from the Railroad.  Ms 6 ft is an employee of this rag, and is commonly referred to by the affectionate nickname of Six.  According to Edweena they were talking about her upcoming position with the Railroad’s New Musical Group “The Cows and the Bulls” which is rumored to be getting ready for a bust out album cutting just as soon as Ms Six gets all of her contract terms worked out.  Also seen at the Hot Tub were two unidentified women, and an unidentified gentleman.  Stay tuned for more details.

jj

 Hanks Middle Ground

Dateline: Seymour, Ky

Reporting: Bill Smith

This is an open letter to Mr. DieselMalted.  Dear Sir, it has come to my attention that you are hiring folks for your new Folk Band.  I would like to be considered for the position of “Press Agent”.  My qualifications are impeachable, and I am sure that proper salary terms can be reached.  Please do not let my employer know that I am seeking a position with you.  Many thanks.  Hank

Sal’s Bite

Heard today that it might rain.  Took that in consideration as I planted my spring garden.  For more garden tips tune in to my television show called, “Sal’s Tips”, which comes on every Sunday night at 7 p.m. and is brought to you by “Black Draught” the natural pepper upper.

Attorney’s for Hire

E.M. Redeye has just opened up two positions in his firm over at Dunnville. Both positions are available on a first come first served basis.  Please bring references, and hunting licenses.

Dear Ice

“Dear Ice” is a column devoted to helping out people with personal problems too difficult for local authorities.  Mr. Ice has been dealing in these kinds of problems for many years and brings mucho experience to the foreground for this column.

Dear Ice:  I am a 98-year-old man and am having problems with my Viagra.  The doc prescribed it for me about 2 weeks ago, but he told me to “cut the pills in half”, which I have been doing.  My problem is that I get right to the good part and I run out of gas so to speak.  Now it is obvious to me that if I quit cutting them in half – then I could make the entire revolution, so to speak, which brings me to my problem.  By taking an entire pill I will be able to do the whole deal, but by splitting the pills I was able to go to sleep at the same time Ethyl did.  Now, by not splitting the pills and taking a whole pill, Ethyl will be asleep by the time I make the entire trip around the block, so to speak, and my dilemma is should I do this or not.  It seems selfish of me, but then again – I am getting tired of getting to the good part with an empty tank, so to speak.  What should I do?  Signed Hunter T. Fishbone Sr., 3311 North Pine St, Clausdivell, Virginia

Dear Hunter:  Here’s what I suggest.  Have Ethyl stay up late the night before you start your revolution, so to speak, and upon starting the revolution she will be asleep.  When you get to the good part, wake her up and then you both can go to sleep at the same time.  Good Luck.

Dear Ice:  My problem is my boyfriend.  He is so inconsiderate of me.  He never lowers the commode lid after he uses the bathroom and I am constantly falling in the stool.  What can I do? Signed Mildred P. Longfellow, Rt.3, Box 33, Muncie, Georgia.

Dear Mildred:  Simply tie a 2x4 on your ass before using the bathroom and you will never have to worry about falling in the stool again. 

Kddkkd

Editorial

This is the 2^nd issue of The New Residencia, since its revival last evening.  Our fledging newspaper remains the largest newspaper presently being read by you at this very moment. Please check and see if you are presently reading a paper larger than the one you are reading right this second.

 Remember; “keep buying this rag.

Editor in Chief – Ice

Lovelorn Editor – Ice

Executive VP – vacant

Henreitta’s Reality Corner– Six Foot Blonde

Ace Roving Reporter #1

BeBop

Ace Rolling Reporter

Vacant

Union Canine Representative

Vacant

The New Residencia now taking applications for Employment.  Send all applications to above-mentioned newspaper.

Harold’s Mid-Life Crisis

Dateline: WASHINGTON D.C.

Reporter C.King Loopholer Jr.

U.S. Senators Visit Iraq

Senators said soldiers “smiled” as they came into their presence.  Senators Crockrocket and Bumfarter, say they felt like they reminded the soldiers of home.  This reporter feels like the soldiers were probably smiling at these two bald headed, overweight men because they both had the zippers on their trousers unzipped. Go Figure.

Harold Carp, reporter for The New Residencia buying brand new corvette.

  75 year old cites need for more horsepower while chasing down stories.  Denies mid life crisis.

TODAY IN 1822

Charles W. Diamond jr. was wounded as he tried to make an unauthorized withdrawal from the 1^st State Bank of Texas.  Mr. Diamond was tried, convicted and hung before the sun went down. Mr.Diamond’s attorney also got hisself hung as he was announcing a suit against the town for an unlawful trial, saying that Mr. Diamond’s “rights” were denied.

Dear Ice

Dear Ice – Can you arrange for me to get some real Chocolate Ice Cream over here.  Signed; Sadaam, Cellblock 2, Bad-Daddy, Iraq.

Dear Sadaam – maybe you could try sticking your index finger where the sun don’t shine and decorate your oatmeal with the drippings and call that chocolate ice cream? Thanks for writing, and btw, you owe $5.00 on your subscription.

Dear Ice: My neighbor keeps throwing his trash over the fence into my yard.  Do I have the legal right to shoot this bugger? Signed, D. Bunkem, 3388 Highlander Drive, London, England.

Dear D.Bunkem – after checking with my legal attorney, Big Diesel, I can inform you that you are well within your rights under RailRoad Law to blow the old fart to kingdom come.

Dear Ice: my next door neighbor’s dogs keep barking all night long, can I turn their owner into the police? Signed, Douglas R. Vickers

Dear Mr.Vickers – after consulting with my Temporary Canine Representative, Ms Pup, I can now advise you to put your residence up for sale because on behalf of the pups, their owner has filed a suit against you for unlawful harassment.  Prominent local attorney Coloconnect, who is well known for her brilliant defense of “Dazey” in the famous German Helmet Suit brought against a local musician name of Scratchomo will represent the pups.

 The Fulooting Eye

Dateline: Dustin, South Carolina

Roving Reporter – Dandy Dunnigan

UFO SIGHTING

An Unusual Fucking Oval was seen earlier today.  It was observed at the “Pied Piper Donut Shop”- in the drivethru.  Rumor has it that someone within the UFO had ordered 4 dozen glazed, and 2 dozen cream filled donuts, but had no money to pay the bill when the donuts arrived at the pickup window.  Local Police were called but they responded that they had all the donuts they needed and referred the matter to the UFO Office, but since it was closed, the matter was referred to NEMA who immediately sprung into action and sent over a debit card to pay the bill.  Later it was determined the UFO was actually Tommy Duryeason who weighing in at near 400 pounds was merely trying out his new 4 wheeler that he had gotten for Christmas.  Tommy did appreciate NEMA for picking up his donut bill though.

Saddam’s Half Brother Says No Deal with U.S.

Henry K. Boloski, half brother to Saddam turned down a deal with the U.S. to market his Cherry Flavored Toothpaste in the U.S., citing unflavored bias against his toothpaste.

Oregon Surfer Punches Shark in Nose

Larry “the surf’s up” Tomlinson punched a shark in the mouth this afternoon.  The “shark” in question was a car salesman who was trying to sell the surfer a new surfboard supposedly with a special jelly that would increase the speed of the board.  When the purchase of said surfing board resulted in Larry slipsliding all over the place, an argument broke out at “Sharks Auto Lot” and it was there that the shark got punched in the nose.

golly

 Hanks Middle Ground

Dateline: Seymour, Ky

Reporting: Bill Smith

Kentucky declares War on the U.S.

The State of Kentucky declared war on the United States, and immediately gave up, swung the white flag from the State Capitol, and applied for “War Rebuilding Money”, and was granted $34,000.000, and announced the groundbreaking ceremony on Wednesday of its new Football Stadium.  Also announced was the creation of a “Fact Finding Panel” to locate a football team.  Mayor P.T. Platinum announced that the new stadium would be used in the meantime as a Refuge Camp for single white males.

Dear Ice

“Dear Ice” is a column devoted to helping out people with personal problems too difficult for local authorities.  Mr. Ice has been dealing in these kinds of problems for many years and brings mucho experience to the foreground for this column.

Dear Ice: My 12 year old filed a suit against me and his father on Christmas day because he did not receive the 2006 Corvette that he wanted for Christmas. Our question is should we settle out of court with his lawyer or take our chances in court. Thanks,  Mabel Crestfallen, 18238 Johnson Lane, Mast, Maine. Zip 45993

Dear Mabel; might I suggest this.  Take junior out to the edge of town and drop him off at a rest stop.  Tell him if he can find his way home you’ll think about giving him another chance.

Dear Ice: The Purse Posse continues to hassle me, could you offer some relief?  Signed Jim, apt 22, 343 South Bloggers Street, Blogstream U.S.A.

Dear Jim: you caused it, you started it, and you’ll just have to live with it.  Besides Pup is my wife and I could not live in this house if I ruled in your favor.  Case dismissed.

Dear Ice; I’m hardly getting any comments on my blogs, can you offer some suggestions? Bogus Ray, 44 South Bend in the Road, Blogstream, U.S.A.

Dear Bogus; try changing the name of your blog to something other than “I don’t like you Either”, although it is cute, it does not attract anyone actually.  Also, if you could change your color fonts from “black on black” to something lighter, it might help.  Seems awful dark over there on your blog.